yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
