my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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