I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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