That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
