So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
