WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
