I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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