I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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