I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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