I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
