I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
