People with herpes should wear stickers.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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