and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
