a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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