If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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