That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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