I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
