Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
