i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
