she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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