every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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