I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
