So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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