there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
