She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
