Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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