in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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