We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
