my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
