last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
