This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
