matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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