i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
