Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
