i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
