does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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