is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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