Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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