why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
