I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
