How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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