I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
