I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
