And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
