Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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