I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
