Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
