I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
