My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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