I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
