Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
