I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
