It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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