he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
