apparently the secret to your success is patron
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
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